In the previous blog, I discussed how the main issue that seems to erode relationships is a lack of self-love and of not having created a healthy relationship with yourself first and foremost before venturing into a relationship with someone else on an intimate level.
Unfortunately this is common because it is not reinforced at home when we are growing up, we do not observe it on a consistent basis with our parents and friends, and in school we are taught things such as arithmetic and historical stories that have no significant impact on helping us create balanced, emotionally mature lives.
I see examples of healthy relationships all the time and although it seems to be an anomaly, they do exist and they are extremely possible. In fact it is inherent in each of us to seek measures that balance us and that recalibrate our relationships to the healthy dynamic they are supposed to be.
What I have also observed is that usually in the beginning of a relationship what makes the chemistry juicy and stimulating and causes each person to feel happy and almost euphoric is the fact that something within them that lies dormant most of the time has been awakened. Their dazzling inner light radiates strongly again, the light in their eyes become brighter, they smile with more ease. And maybe the intoxicating chemicals like dopamine enhance these feelings but I believe that it is also something about attraction and love that ignites us, that turns us back on and causes us to come back into alignment with our higher, confident, brilliant, happy, bright, witty, sexy selves.
But sadly, because we are not taught as children to cultivate this exquisite inner flame, this fragile and extremely powerful energy, we allow it to dampen. And since we forget who we truly are and forget how to always go within ourselves to regenerate, we cull from this place of insecurity our deepest well of fear. And soon the bright lights in the big city that is the honeymoon stage of any relationship, begin to flicker and bulbs begin to pop. It is when we don’t think that all of who we are is good enough that the energetic communication begins to change.
We can regain this effervescent state of being little by little and in these gradual steps we can not only assist in bringing the fire back into our inter-relationships we can bring them back independently for our selves which is where all our joy radiates from anyway.
We do this by rediscovering what our personal interests are; what are they when you’re not being a spouse, a girlfriend, boyfriend, or a mother or a father? What do you relish in, what brings you satisfaction and peace like nothing else? What have you always envisioned trying? What was it that excited you as a child that as an adult you put aside because it seemed silly? Go back to that. Begin to express your latent desires.
What is so important about this is that we are nurturing the need to connect with ourselves and to nourish that need to be healthy, independent people even while in interdependent relationships. We are remembering the value in being a whole person with our own interests and opinions and moving away from the co-dependant, unhealthy structures that corrode our communions.
Last week I mentioned as part of an exercise the conscious effort to become aware of yourself in your body. I think so often in relationships, we allow ourselves to get lost in one another or to even loose sight of the importance of boundaries. We loose sight that we are truly separate individuals who have the right to think differently and respond to situations differently and have different interests. That is what can make our relationships so colorful and dynamic and what often is what is necessary to make them healthy as well!
So the idea of literally embodying yourself is important in order to begin the process of witnessing yourself as a whole, separate, empowered, dynamic individual. You are with a partner and you two have goals and visions and perhaps want these goals and visions to expand outwardly to the world so that it assists in the higher good for all but in order for this to be a grounded vision and one that is successful each person must feel self-empowered and value their amazing qualities and know that they are whole, complete and can completely rock independent from their partner. And with their partner they seem even more dazzling but alone they are just as stupendous.
Another good thing to do aside from cultivating a relationship with yourself {and really making an effort to, not just agreeing it’s an important venture} is to do things with your partner that are different from the normal activities you are used to doing together. If you meditate take one day where you practice your meditation together, facing one another. I did this recently and found that it was a beautiful way to enhance the trust I felt for the person I am dating and it helped me feel more connected to him as well as to feel more connected in the energy that was interlacing between us; I was actually able to feel it and it was extremely powerful. This meditation helped me to see that there was something greater than we both knew that was holding us together and for me that was humbling and caused me to have a greater respect for the relationship and a greater desire to continue to develop something on a grounded, harmonious level instead of the petty drama and immature tactics from the past. Meditating together causes you each to be a witness to the beauty that vibrates around you and is very real. At the end of the meditation you can talk about what each of you experienced and you can choose to do this once a week as a way to mature and deepen your connection. You can choose that each meditation be for something different; personal issues that you want guidance on, issues you experience as a couple that you want clarity on, personal mental balance and stress reducing meditations, or meditations that serve global concerns. The point is to do something together that connects you in a profound way. It can be fun and lighthearted and the more out of the normal routine the better!
If you have integrated a practice with your partner and it has served to improve your relationship please share.
Where are you and your mate stuck, where are you flourishing, where do you need a little guidance?
